warpednormal's Diaryland
Diary
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after james i disconnected myself from anything that related to spirituality or some sort of belief that the universe had some reason to it.
i believed truly that everything in this world was a random chaotic series of events that no one could match reason to.
that there was no such thing as destiny or fate or god.
that we simply have to take whatever meaning we could from whatever happened and that was that
i attached myself to logic, and logic only.
and part of that was because james was so damn spiritual and i just couldn't be reminded of that. that maybe i was supposed to be different. "supposed to" "meant to be"
ha!
phrases that ring quite close to the idea of "fate" and "destiny"
then i met mickey, who was nothing but practical, logical, easy, unromantic. he took what was in the world as what it was and nothing more, nothing grand or passionate, just what it was. he lost himself in books and beautiful photos and he found something in that. no need to complicate it with some sort of attachment to god or belief that things were somehow apart of something greater than what it showed. like he found god in just seeing things for what they were
since him though i've been finding myself in situations that are forcing me to look within and within something bigger than myself. maybe my brain isn't enough to navigate this world. maybe a leap of faith or a belief in something wider and more vast is exactly what i need right now. or forever. i don't know.
my friend took me to a meditation class and now im reading a book about fate and meditation, almost accidentally.
i'm not sure where i was going with that. i think i'm just in need of some kind of balance. some kind of state that would allow me to enjoy beautiful moments without that tinge of sadness lingering on the edges of my heart.
its all sorts of lame really
8:50 p.m. - 2013-07-02
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