warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

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discipline

the weekend consisted of a lot of drinking and heading home before midnight. i'm struck with unbearable tiredness these days and very little desire to meet or meet up with the men i used to. my bladder has been bothering me terribly. i've become convinced that i have diabetes even though my blood sugar came back normal after a high carb meal. my urinalysis also came back negative even though my lower back hurts. i just can't stop peeing.
this obviously isn't a good thing for someone as paranoid and anxious as me. given that, my anxiety and worry is probably making the whole thing worse. i read this thing about how colds are caused by emotional conflicts and i thought...well, maybe my body is just finally reacting to all the mind fucks i've been giving it.
yesterday i signed up for an ashtanga yoga workshop and i was the only one that showed up. sweating profusely and nervous as hell, this intense instructor guided me through the poses. he said i had a really strong practice, but now he wants me to remember all the names of everything and work on really following my breath. it was a pretty amazing experience being on my own there, i felt very focused and i almost forgot about my woes for a good hour.
i'd like to delve deeper into this but knowing me, i'll probably be fascinated by the whole thing for a week and then forget about it.
discipline is something i have yet to develop lol.

sometimes i measure the success in my days by how many minutes or hours i spend worrying. i'm now able to watch a whole movie and have whole conversations and have whole walks where i don't worry.
that's huge for me.
turns out, it takes a lot of discipline to train your mind to NOT go into feeling sorry for myself or ruminating.
discipline man.
still working on it.

2:29 p.m. - 2015-03-08

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