warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

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i have a problem
its that i care so fucking deeply about what other people think of me
and i'm thinking, if i really think hard enough, its because i was always such an outcast as a child. if i were to really look deep into the crevices of my traumatic memories it would be that i spent most of my recesses alone. that i spent most of time at home running away from my aunt, and when i couldn't i would either be slapped in the head or verbally knocked down with yet another thing i've done wrong in the house. i was useless and left out constantly.
i haven't gone there in awhile, back to these memories, but now that i'm reading this book called "the brain that changes itself," i'm learning where all my impressions are coming from. this incessant desire to be wanted and to be liked by my coworkers, my friends, my lovers. omg.
i made a couple mistakes at work yesterday and my coworkers saw me and they weren't a big deal and yet i can't stop thinking about it. over and over, like a cycle of madness. this circus in my head needs to stop.
the first thing i can do is realize why the circus began in the first place.

11:19 p.m. - 2014-04-11

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