warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-

i don't know what to say about last night.
we discovered a joint that sold a pint and a pizza for only 6 dollars so I got completely wasted and fat off of that.
then we braved the crowds of downtown and found matt who happened to be talking to David's parents. i've never met them before, and i was struck with the urge to call him and tell him. but you know, we don't talk anymore...
the reminder stung a little and made me feel a little low and unimportant. also, meeting his incredibly kind and seemingly thoughtful parents made me sad that i would never actually meet them as..well..a girlfriend? goodness! i annoy myself.

but i met another boy. his name is Darren, he's 10 years older. he has his last name. as we were walking and talking and as i put on my fake flirtatious charm, he told me how grumpy he was and how happy i finally made him. he even put his arms around my shoulder and i placed mine around his waist, and as we braved the crowds of downtown together, i told him how david broke my heart (drunkingly, of course) and he laughed and said he was an idiot for choosing a "crack whore" (his words!) over me.

anyway, he has his masters in science, can you believe it? and he works for the government. but he lives on the island. so just like with most of everything, i really only get a taste of what could potentially be the best meal of my life.

he kissed me before he left. it was absolutely marvelous.

so i came home incredibly drunk and stupidly invited corey over asking if he wanted to cuddle. i am an idiot. and he came over and we all got incredibly high, the first time i've ever been this high. my brain pounding, my heart racing, everything i did went so fast. everything i saw went so slow.

i thought i was going to puke a second time.

but we cuddled, for the first time in 5 years, i was in his arms. exactly the way i've wanted to for the last 5 years. so why god, why? why did it feel so wrong? why did it feel like i was cuddling up to my brother? or a gay friend? i couldn't believe it. the tension the strangeness of it all. i thought that maybe it was the high that was creating these surprising thoughts. how come I felt more passion for a guy i've known for only 5 hours in a short kiss and embrace near a smelly men's washroom, then for a boy i've known for 5 years in the dark warmth of the familiar futon?..i don't know. i wish i shaved though. i gave him a hand job and he gave me a little finger, and finally it felt a bit more fun.
i don't know. we didn't even kiss. but i don't mind, my mouth was so dry. he asked if "it would be cool if we stayed friends" and i said "YES, yes, i absolutely agree. i understand..." and hopefully he does too. hopefully he does not think this means we might eventually be something more than friends.
god, friends with benefits? friends with a little more fun on the side?is that really what i'm settling for right now? do I mind? fuck yes. fuck no. i don't know. all i know is i don't think i can stand another broken heart. and i don't want to break any more.

and so please, corey. understand. let's have our fun, but let's not ruin it with these silly emotions.

i'm terrified, absolutely terrified of falling in love. because you know what, i can say with all honesty, i have never, ever been in love before. and yet despite all that i've felt my heart rip and tear and shred to pieces by men who care little, and fuck a lot. so , yeah. what's going to happen once i fall in love? once i give my heart completely, once someone loves me back even for a bit.
well yeah.

i might just die.

6:25 p.m. - 2010-02-21

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next