warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

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I think we might be going out this saturday. But maybe not, I only asked him in passing..and he seemed willing to go. BUT damn do I feel like the biggest loser in the world talking to him. I feel as if none of my jokes make sense, and I just feel like an all around LOSER ...and this is talking to him through a computer!..gosh. i'm lame. i feel it. I just know this is not going to work. I just so desperately need something real that I'm willing to take the chance anyway.
I've kissed 13 men these past 3 months. I've lost my virginity only last month. And yet, not once, have I felt the kind of magic that they talk about in all those books and movies. NOT once have I felt happy or right about what I've done. I never considered myself a romantic, but I'm still surprised that I have not once felt any spark or truth with the boys I've been with. Truthfully, I've only known a few of their names.
I'm tired of that all. But Kurtis, maybe this is it. But, I know deep down in my soul that he isn't. I"m not sure why.My instincts, i guess, tell me this is not gonna work.
But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna give it a try anyway. Anything for any sort of possibility or chance for what I really want.

Tomorrow, is my last day at the Learning Exchange program. The days are tiring but never monotone. Exhausting but more satisfying than anything I know right now. I mean, I never had a very good childhood, but I still feel like I belong, somehow, whenever I'm at an elemntary school. I don't know....
Today,I witnessed children at their worst . I didn't realize how cruel children can be to one another. Some of the fights that took place were just so...i don't know ...kids just speak without thinking. I kept thinking about how these children would be affected by each other's words...like would they subconsiously repress them for the rest of their lives? I kept wondering if those words would affect everything afterwards, all their relationships, all the ways in which they relate to one another. I mean, I do remember some really nasty stuff from my childhood. Mainly, being alone. But that's just something I don't think about. But when I do, I realize that it DOES affect me in one way or another. I've alwayes CRAVED to be wanted and missed for as long as i remeber and and maybe that does has something to do with how I grew up. I just need to belong so badly. Maybe because I never feel like I do. ack. i'm hungry. Belonging Power and Fun Freedom Survival We'll get the job done

11:48 p.m. - 2009-02-17

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