warpednormal's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - definitely back on the merry go round that is anxiety and rumination- but it's mostly about little things at work. it's interesting how when a new day begins, i feel very little of it. i meditate, have my coffee, read some carl sagan, contemplate my next diving course...but then 830 rolls around and i'm back at it. am i doing enough of the right thing at work? did i fuck up that swab and will the lab send it back and everyone will know i'm an incompetent piece of shit? these are the crazy thoughts that run through my head on the daily. i constantly berate myself and think..i wouldn't be this anxious if i didn't make all these mistakes. i know it's not entirely true though. i had two sessions with a CBT therapist and i took an online course on how to manage retroactive jealousy (using CBT and mindfulness) and it's helped a lot. helped me challenge my thoughts as soon as they arise and i can tell are making me feel like shit. but honestly, these are patterns that have been ingrained in me since i was a child being cared for by an aunt, when my parents were at work, calling me useless and stupid every single day until those words just solidified in my cortex. but hey, CBT, mindfulness, etc. these things can help.. even though it's the biggest battle of my life. 8:24 a.m. - 2020-10-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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