warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

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the sky is currently a mild grey- a stark contrast from the past few days where there was so much sun, so much colour. the back of my knees are blistered and covered in a terrible heat rash. My body is not made for the sun, but I still love it.

oh, so I'm re-learning how to dive here. took the first part of the dry suit specialty course at the pool, but struggled with some of the skills. I'm going to try to take an extra pool session before we head to the cold open ocean. I'm excited and terribly afraid. I want so bad to enjoy it...which I do, I just have to get over the nerves you know? I want to swim with the sea lions and see the great big octopus. I know it's extremely lame but his ex was a climber, a diver, super athletic and crazy out there..and sometimes I feel as if I'm attempting to live up to that. He tells me all the time I"m exactly who he wants and needs but insecurity creeps up like a motherfucker when I'm not good at something right away (and that something usually is just about everything..I'm a slow learner. Although I'm starting to wonder if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. As in, I go into things fully expecting to suck that because my confidence is so low, I do in fact end up sucking). Anyhow, I'm working on it. We took an intro to bouldering course at the Hive the other day too and it was totally fun even though I couldn't get to the top just yet. These things take time for me, but at least I still do them. At least I'm not completely debilitated by my nerves. they are a part of me, but they are not all of me.

7:00 p.m. - 2020-08-07

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