warpednormal's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - So I just completed another weekend of Shambhala meditation. Sitting with all my neurotic tendencies and habitual patterns in thinking and then learning to be open and curious and accepting of them is pretty damn draining. Its funny how I guilt myself for even having "bad thoughts" in the first place. How I add drama to an already sad state of being. Turns out that being okay with sadness and broken-heartedness is a way to fully embrace what it means to be a human being. My mistakes were big themes in my mind this weekend. I've learned that my guilt and shame and embarrassment about being who I am has been a running theme all my life.... our ego is "echoless." the world is neither for or against us, so nothing that happens "to us" can be taken personally. It is what it is (shit, if that sounds a little too over the clouds as in some dude with a beard meditating in the sky kind of way..please forgive me) Our ego is constantly looking for confirmation that we are okay, that we are loved and we are safe. Our egos will never receive that confirmation or satisfaction, not in the way our minds are wired. There will always, always, always be something to worry about. The point of meditation is to slowly kill the ego. Bring light and awareness to that constant voice in your head telling you you are not good enough. That voice in your head that is constantly comparing and competing. Bring light to the voice and cradle it in your arms. Be gentle and compassionate towards that voice. Remember it just wants to be loved, and unfortunately, it will never be satisfied. All you can do is accept that your feelings are valid and real and there is no need to push them away or cling on to them. And ultimately, I found that when I had glimpses of bringing total awareness to my thoughts, I found that I then had a choice. I could listen to that rambling in a bigger space. That voice wasn't the only reality, it was one in a choir of many sensations. There are birds to be listened to, smells to be taken in, sights to be seen. There is this moment, a moment not fettered by your judgments about it...and it's just begging you to notice. 9:51 p.m. - 2015-01-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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