warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

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So, the retreat is finished. I met some incredible, fascinating, intelligent people over the course of this weekend and it felt both thrilling, empty, and sad to leave the place on my own. The teacher said I had a certain glow to me, as if i somehow figured it all out. By the end of it, I really thought i did. when you have a weekend where all your conversations with people are meaningful and real and deep, how could you not feel something more. We sat and walked silently for 2.5 hours each day. Themes would come up and they would go. I would have moments of deep agitation and irritation, but I knew the point of this was to stay with it, breathe with it..and hopefully, let it go.


The real work begins now, actually bringing this shit to my daily life. And so far�i've failed. Today, i couldn't stop going over a fear that I realize is irrational. I do this thing where I get so convinced that i might have an sti that i search all the forums in the world to see if it may be true. Its come up today�anyway. Someone said that we built all these thought patterns for years, we can't expect ourselves to be completely free from it in a matter of days, month, or even years. Let's just take this moment by moment.
that resonated with me. and the very fact that yes, i've experienced moments of deep peace and fearlessness in the face of my deepest fears..well, it gives me hope.

much love y'all.

6:59 p.m. - 2014-10-27

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