warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

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Meditation retreat day 1

feeling drained and raw and empty...sitting for hours in meditation but feeling like i am constantly failing. failing to stay in the moment. my mind grasps on to the familiar story lines and habitual thought patterns that have been ingrained in me since i first learned to think. without them i feel empty. unsafe. fearful.
fucking sad.
i could see the somber look on our teacher's face this evening. the fear of us, students, reflected on his face so clearly. the confusion, the madness.. we were all in this together.
he says that in order to be brave we need to learn how to sit with our fears..what is it that we are afraid of exactly? what is it that keeps us from living and responding to the moment by moment. what makes us build this story line in our heads about what should and shouldn't be in order for us to be happy...we know deep down that that's not the case. we know deep down that nothing lasts, and we can't possibly depend on circumstances to be exactly what we want them to be.

my heart pounds intermittently. i want to say something. but i'm afraid i'll sound dumb. again, with the story line in my head...its funny isn't it?

well, one more day of sitting tomorrow. let's see what it brings.

8:33 p.m. - 2014-10-25

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