warpednormal's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lean into it Rubbing our hands frantically together, our shoulders to our ears and our skirts above our knees, waiting in line to get into some horrendous club, my friend doles out her old tried and true advice about how to stand in the cold, "just lean into it" she says. We laugh drunkingly and i reply with a zest of self importance, "fuck that, I'm pretty sure leaning into it..only makes it more cold!" we all laugh again , considering its truth and hoping to god our cleavage will once again work in convincing the doorman that we, above anyone else, deserve to be out of the cold and take 8 dollar red dragon shots. the days go by and the endless stream of chatter runs through my head in its usual and quickfire way. Oh man i have to go to work today. What should i have for lunch? do I have enough money? I really want to save for that trip. Fuck, he hasn't texted me today. He's probably dead or thinks i'm the worst. Triggers in my surroundings remind me of rejection and people i miss and memories that i treasure or despise. thoughts that i i either try to push away or cling on to. thoughts and more and more thoughts, thoughts that trigger a full gamut of emotions from pleasant nostalgia to discomfort and pain. I remember what my friend said, just "lean into it" and i wonder about it. Lean into the discomfort? does that work? leaning into the boundaries, the edges of our pain.. is that something like..accepting it? breathing through the cold, letting the cold pass through you. No...we must do what we can to avoid that discomfort right? we must convince the doorman that we deserve the warmth and comfort of a dance floor filled with mindless drunks and promises of one night romances. We bargain, but we're hot. but we have money. but i don't deserve to feel this way. we must avoid the feelings that make our heart ache. keep the walls closed. i only need the cold for cigarette breaks. something triggers. An old note from someone i miss. My boyfriend forgets to pick something up from the store. I don't get the job. Someone i love dies.... the pain seeps through just lean in i take a deep breath, and i go there. the edges and the boundaries of the pain, I sit in it. I recognize it. I even smile at it. Finding some peace in the fact that its simply a different kind of energy flowing through me, much like happiness does sometimes. its uncomfortable, painful, and sometimes the worst thing i have ever had to go through and then its gone. New thoughts arrive and new feelings follow. I lean into those ones too. I watch them float through my consciousness/ so yeah, maybe i sound like some big hippy buddhist wannabe. But maybe there's some merit to all this yoga type breathe into the pain type stuff we hear. Because if we can discover that our feelings are fleeting, that the cold will eventually pass, if we simply let ourselves be in it, and watch it naturally float away, we might discover that we actually are bigger and more infinite than the finite cages we put ourselves in with our routine thoughts..
2:38 a.m. - 2013-10-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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