warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

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My love's too big for you my love

the whole thing was pretty dumb, but more or less exciting. how lame is my life that this, THIS is exciting.

he came over, and asked me how i was and i told him i was alright and i could feel my face flush like a tomato right before his eyes. i could have died, honestly. after, he sent me a text because i ignored him and what not,

"you hating" he says.

"don't worry about it."
i tell him

after, i go up to him and i try so desperately to say what i've always wanted to say..."look, i just..i don't want to give you the idea that i'm just that girl you go to when your girlfriend's not around..like, when you text me out of nowhere i can't help but think that's all you want..."
and he was all.."i'm sorry, i didn't want you to think that, i don't see you that way. i just knew you were coming so i wanted to ask how you were this past week."

i was so drunk i couldn't even think of what next to say. i should have practiced responding instead of practicing a bunch of monologues that may or may not have any relevance to anything.

ugh.

finally, we had this little conversation in the kitchen and he told me how he's been with this girl for four years, on and off constantly. he told me she had family issues. she's never had a home. i guess, he was her home. and he felt that the choices she was making, although hurt him, he could justify them because he understood where she came from.

and holy shit.

my heart died. everything i learned in school he was saying, as if he knew exactly what floored me, this new philosophy i had in my life he understood. he lived it. i wanted to die or kill him.

i didn't know what to say. everything i planned to say sounded so shallow and lame, i..just..omg. i was drunk too, which didn't help.

i don't remember what i said but i know in my heart it wasn't anywhere near as eloquent as how he described it. we ended up concluding that we'll just have fun and let things go where they go.

long story short.

i ended up sleeping with him again. not sex. just wonderful marvelous making out.

you know, we've never been in a room alone before.

i wonder if i'll ever even be able to get off without an audience.

that's fucked.

i guess my real fear is this.
that once he starts really knowing me, like really knowing me as a human being with interests and passions and likes and dislikes and loves..he'll realize..how boring i am. how stunningly normal and boring i am. he'll realize we have nothing in common that our lives we'll never mend into anything more than a physical connection. once i lose that mask, that suit of the mysterious girl he sees once in a blue moon and chooses to kiss and tease and lead on..he'll realize i'm just that..a girl to lead on. and i can't stand it.
i don't have family issues. i don't have addictions or strong attachment issues (sort of). all i want is to love love and love and give all i can to everyone and someone.

but i'm happy.
i might have told him that too.
that i'm stable and i really don't need this added confusion in my life.

what was even more wonderful was when my best friends kept telling him "behind my back" that i deserved the best. and that playing with me, playing with my heart...well, there will be repercussions.

that made me feel good.

i'm so happy i have all these people giving me their love so freely and unconditionally.
so that i can truly and honestly say now that...i don't really need his.

1:11 a.m. - 2010-05-24

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