warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

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i hate/love the fact that you are going

it turns out that david is coming this friday to the party, i think.
this is not good.
i feel like i need to kill some part of myself in order to manage not feeling the pain and hurt he's caused. i don't know how that's going to work.

also, i've realized that i have a fake conversation with him just about every night. all of it revolves around me telling him off. telling him that everything was a mistake. that we shouldn't have prolonged it, and that you using me as someone you can make out with when your girlfriend pisses you off and you are lonely or horny is not fair to me. or my heart.

i've come up with different versions of this. millions of versions of the same thing i want to say to him.


the problem is.

he's just going to end up ignoring me the whole night and i know i know i'm going to feel heavy and empty all at once and its just going to suck more than anything.

his girlfriend might be there too. i haven't seen him with his girlfriend since we kissed that last time and i'm not sure how its going to affect me.

this is so remarkably dumb i can't even.

and i'm not going to be able to sleep. and i need to because i made an appointment with the homeless man who's in love with me the next morning.

ugh. ugh. ugh.

10:15 p.m. - 2010-05-19

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