warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

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i planned to come home today and write about the absolute doubt and horror that was beginning to grow inside my mind, and my heart, and my being. i was going to write about how i've always wanted to be a preschool teacher, and watch little kids make snowflakes out of fresh paper and teach them how to count to 10. that that was my real dream, and that it was parents and my environment that forced me into nursing. that i really just don't have the capacity or the emotional strength or even the dexterity to become a competent nurse.

i still feel all of these things. but during our leadership training for agape, a street nurse came in, and even though there were no moments of epiphany or sudden emotion or tearful revelations, i found my self wanting to learn again. wanting to learn how to do this, how to get to where she is somehow in my own unique way.

anyway, what i'm trying to get at is.. i'm going to be feeling a lot of doubt in myself in the next few months. but i know that i'll eventually get there, get where i want to be. and once i do, i'm absolutely positive that there will still be room to grow.

another noteworthy thing of today that i found totally as important. that benjamin guy, the one that looks like brad pitt. well, he totally wants to bang me. (well actually, it's more of I really want to bang him so badly I interpret every fucking glance as an invitation to the inside of his pants. but, whatever. man)

9:17 p.m. - 2009-09-15

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