warpednormal's Diaryland Diary

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I don't understand why I have the need to write multiple entries for ONE day. Maybe because it's valentine's day and I'm alone so I need some way to take my mind off that particular fact, but mainly because I've been reading other people's "diaries" and that shit really inspires me to write shit.. Also, I don't usually update this thing so I keep coming up with things that i feel like I MUST write about.
For instance, Angelo. I'm a dumbass and a loner and I led him on. He liked me a lot during High School, and I led him on then. And then, about 2 months ago he found me on FB, added me and asked if I wanted to see a movie with him. I said, yes, stupidly. The day of, vicki told me that I should just ditch him for a better time with her. In my heart, i knew that that was Exactly what I wanted to do. And so I did, I told him that something came up and that I couldn't go out with him. I KNOW it was a jerk move, but I am fully aware of my asshole ness. Anyway, lately he has been texting me/messaging me/calling me constantly. He called me yesterday while I was shopping, and I told him quite frantically that I was looking for someone and I hung up. I KNOW I'm a jerk. I'm starting to think that i want to cause him pain. He hurt my friend ( long story ) and so this is just my way of getting back at him. But I know the real reason, I really do want to cause him pain, for the sole reason that I can. Maybe because I know EXACTLY how he feels, how it feels to just want someone so bad, someone you can't have. I'm so used to it, that I just want to feel what its like being on the other side. Just saying that makes me feel like the devil. He's messaging me right at this instant, telling me how excited he was to hang out with me, and how I never got back to him afterwards. I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know what to say, what to do. I'm not answering him as usual, and I'm afraid he knows. Afraid he knows that I really am online, watching his ugly messages pop up on my screen. I want him to leave me alone. I want to stop feeling this guilty and get back to having fun and enjoying my life as it is. He's telling me to tell him if I really don't want to hang out with him that I should just tell him so he doesn't waste his time. I would never tell him that. I just want him to STOP wasting his time on me out of his own accord, to figure it out. The ultimate truth is that he annoys me. I hate the fact that he takes pictures of himself and uses it as his profile picture, and his voice is too high, and he doesn't make me laugh.
But I have no one to blame for this mess but myself. I know that, i know that so goddamn well.

8:31 p.m. - 2009-02-14

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